Processing a Loss

Last night, just as I was getting ready to fall asleep, I was scrolling mindlessly through social media. (Yes, I know you’re not supposed to do that right before bed. I’m unhealthy, what can I say?) I saw a post from a group that I follow stating that Reita, the bassist from the Japanese metal band The GazettE, had passed away very suddenly that day. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I wanted so badly for it to be nothing more than a hoax – simply someone playing a prank. 

But to my complete devastation, it was confirmed to be true by The GazettE’s official site, and I’m feeling a complete mixture of emotions right now. 

Devastation. Shock. Sadness. Still a bit of denial.

I’m old enough to have seen more than my fair share of celebrity deaths, including some that were really difficult for me. (Heath Ledger, for starters.) But this? I can’t even begin to process it. 

I first started listening to them when I was barely out of high school. I was working my first “real” job at a local community library, and The GazettE and Nightwish were my first introductions to the world of metal, though I really give The GazettE a little more credit because I did technically listen to them first. Both bands had a completely unique sound, which just fueled my desire to hear more. 

However, both bands were also incredibly talented in so many ways, and it was a long time before I found any others that could even remotely compare to them. 

I think that’s why this particular celebrity death hit me so damn hard. The GazettE’s music has been a part of my life for the last 21 years, and to imagine a part of it suddenly gone…it’s beyond heartbreaking. I’ve listened to and followed these beautiful souls since I was basically a child myself – have grown up beside them. Their music carried me through dark times and lifted my spirits when I was battling severe depression. I adore these members. I love their music and their passion for what they do. I’ve long felt they were so underrated and underappreciated, because their talent is absolutely spectacular. I simply can’t quite picture what this world is like without one of them in it.

Perhaps it seems silly to cry so hard for someone that I’ve never even met. But when you’ve had that presence in your life – even just a virtual one – it’s so very, very difficult to accept when it’s no longer there. 

I truly send all the good vibes and love in this world for the rest of the members and for Reita’s family and friends. May his spirit be at peace now.

Know that you will be greatly, greatly missed, dear friend.

Taking the Plunge

I’ve been hemming and hawing over a dilemma for months now. Well, nearly a year, if I’m honest. I’ve had the idea for my next novel, which as previously mentioned, will be more of a high fantasy. Not that I don’t love my YA or anything, but I’ve had a character who desperately deserves her own story for far too long. I’ve been working on this character’s book for a couple of months and am over halfway through getting the story on paper. But it’s still a long ways to go before it will be even close to gearing it for publication.

So I made a big decision. After making several (and I mean SEVERAL) queries to agents, I’ve decided to self-publish my standalone young adult fantasy to give readers something to satisfy them until my high fantasy is complete. My standalone young adult is already finished and somewhat polished, thanks to a couple of beta readers.

Basically, once I have an editor do a final go-through (and I’ve already contacted one for pricing), I’ll just need to hire a cover designer and it will be ready to be formatted for publishing.

To be realistic, my adult fantasy will likely not be out until next year at the soonest. The first draft isn’t completed yet, and it will have several stages to go through before it’s even close to being “publish-ready.” The sequel to Prince of Light is in even earlier stages than that.

As much as I would have loved to see this standalone young adult go through an actual publisher, I believe it’s a story that is worth getting out there. It’s been sitting in my computer for years. I’ll be honest, it’s a little scary. But it’s also exciting.

So all that to say, stay tuned for updates!

The Steadfast

Safe to say life is a little crazy right now. People are wondering what the future looks like, whether or not they’ll have a job to come back to, how this will affect their kids, etc.

I don’t have any real words of wisdom other than hold on to your “constant.”

What I mean by that is the thing that gets you through the worst of times. For me, I happen to believe in God. I’m not a very stereotypical Christian anymore because there’s a lot of theology that I happen to disagree with. I won’t get into the details of that, but the one thing that has stayed constant for me is my relationship with God.

Perhaps you’re a spiritual person in a different sort of way. Perhaps you’re not spiritual at all and you find hope in logic. Whatever your constant may be, hold onto it.

I like to think of it the way I do my favorite mountains. I happen to live in beautiful Central Oregon, and because I was born and raised here, the mountains have been a part of my skyline for as long as I can remember. There are three in particular that are incredibly well known in this area, generally referred to as the Three Sisters.

This is from my absolute favorite viewpoint. It’s hard to capture in a photograph, but you’re so close to the mountains that you can see the details of their ridge lines and the rocks and crags on them. It’s amazing.

Because I know this area so well, I always know where the Three Sisters are located. From my particular hometown, you can see their peaks from almost any part of the city. It doesn’t matter if they’re covered by clouds or fog, or if the sun has set. I know they’ll always be there.

That’s kind of how God is for me. It doesn’t matter if there are times when my own clouds of anxiety keep me from seeing Him in the moment. He’s still there for me.

So I repeat, whatever your “constant” is, hold onto it. This, too, shall pass, and we’ll come out the other side. But whatever you need to do in the moment to help get through it, be patient with yourself. It’s going to be okay.

Hugs to you all! (Digitally, of course, so we’re ten feet apart.) 😀

A Simple Suggestion

I had a memory pop up on Facebook the other day, from when I was just finishing the first ever draft of Prince of Light. Oh, I remember that draft. I was so proud of it, so attached to my characters, so convinced that it was the next Harry Potter.

Well, that was a learning curve.

Several years of interacting with other writers and rejections from agents taught me how to have a thick skin when it came to construction criticism. Honestly, my writing is much, much better for it. Yes, those years kind of sucked, because it felt like a huge landslide of rejection, but it made me stronger in the long run.

So when the memory of writing my first book came up, it soon followed with the proud feeling I had when I finally had it self-published several years later. That was back in 2012.

Then came my marriage.

Well, I technically published Prince of Light not long after I got married. The story was complete by then, and I tried getting the attention of many agents before turning to the route of self-publishing.

But then I endured 6 long years of verbal and emotional abuse during my marriage, and the spark of creativity that I had always had burning inside me came close to snuffing out. I never had time or energy to pursue any of my passions, much less continue writing a love story. I no longer believed in love. How could I write about something I had never really known?

I broke free from that situation almost three years ago. And as I healed up, I tried to get back into my story, because I adored my characters so much. I read Prince of Light with a fresh set of eyes, ready to tackle the next step of the story.

Once again, I found myself writing absolute drivel. It was so cheesy and sub par that I couldn’t even bring myself to continue at times. I tried to force my way through, because I knew that as soon as I could get to a certain point, everything would make sense again and it would be really good. But getting to that point was just shy of impossible.

Then, just the other day, I went to a very dear friend’s birthday party, and she introduced me to a couple of new friends. In the midst of our nerding out and writerly conversations, one of the new friends heard me mention that I was still having major writer’s block when it came to Prince of Light.

“Well, you could just do a time-hop,” he said casually. “You know, fast forward a ways in the future and then explain how she got there.”

The light bulb went on.

I suddenly realized that I didn’t have to actually tell the story of how my main character got to the next phase that I saw. I could just explain it through her memories of what happened.

I’m telling you, it’s like my life had new meaning.

I honestly don’t know why that never occurred to me before. It was the simplest suggestion, but it completely changed my way of thinking and opened up a whole new level of creativity that I hadn’t tapped into before.

All that to say, for those of you who have been here since the beginning, when I first published Prince of Light and created this blog for all things character and book related, get ready for book two. It’s finally coming.

For those of you who are new here, well, you’re going to end up seeing a lot more fangirling but still some pretty photos. Ye be warned. 🙂

Love you all, and thanks for being a part of my journey!

The Selfie Trend (and Why I Joined)

I bought a selfie stick the other day. Truth be told, I used to be one of those people who laughed at the ones who had selfie sticks. I thought they were rather vain and unnecessary. I might have pointed and laughed a time or two when I saw people using them. I might have even made fun of my friend when she got one, never passing up a chance to give her a hard time about it.

Then I started hiking by myself. A LOT.

Suddenly, a selfie stick didn’t sound like such a bad idea. I bought a cheap one just to see how I liked it, and the next thing I knew, I was hooked. It was so much easier to get a photo of myself out and about. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always trust handing my phone to strangers. Maybe I’m just paranoid. (Though I certainly never mind when others ask me to take a photo of them. It’s actually one of my great delights to hand their phone back to them and see their surprise at how nice the photos turn out.)

Plus having someone take a photo of me meant that I never really knew how it was going to turn out. No one’s fault, of course; they’re not a photographer by trade. But fellow photogs can relate to what I’m saying, right?

Can I get an amen?? (Don’t worry, Bey, we still love you.)

Even when I was out with friends, it was so much better to get the whole group in a picture with a selfie stick. I mean, some of my friends have pretty long arms, but they can still only reach so far.

Oh man, I super enjoyed it. It became a part of my usual pack. Then, just as I had grown accustomed to the joys of selfies, tragedy struck. Yes, my little cheapo selfie stick randomly died one day, and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

I tell you, though, once you’ve discovered the joys of getting more backdrop in a photo, it’s really difficult to go back to your face filling up the whole phone screen. So I did a little research and looked up good ol’ Amazon to see what selfie sticks were compatible with my trusty iPhone 8 Plus. (The phone is HUGE, which I love, but sometimes it’s hard to find things that will fit it.)

Low and behold, they not only have selfie sticks but SELFIE TRIPODS.

Selfie tripods!!!

Suddenly, my life had new meaning. If there is one piece of equipment that I simply couldn’t live without as a photographer, it’s my tripod. I don’t need especially expensive brand-new lenses. I can make do with used. I don’t need the latest Nikon camera. My D5200 has been absolutely fantastic. What I DO need is a tripod to hold my camera still when I want to get a long exposure of a waterfall, or when my hands are simply too cold to keep from shaking.

So a tripod for my phone with a Bluetooth remote? Why, it just makes sense.

Honestly, I’m probably pretty late in the game when it comes to this. I follow a lot of great photographers on IG and the like, and while sometimes they’re able to have other photogs take a great shot of them out and about, more often than not I think they’re taking advantage of the exact same thing.

So late in the game or not, I am super excited to play around with my new toy. Who’s ready to head up to Smith Rock with me?

This picture made possible by a super special awesome selfie tripod.

It’s About to Pick Up

Phew, had a little bit of a busy week. Honestly, I’m not really complaining. I like to stay productive, so it was actually good for me to have a full schedule.

I felt like I hit a little bit of a standstill during part of January and into February. I had done pretty much everything that I could to get the business up and running, was still staying active on social media and whatnot, but I was officially stuck in the waiting game. Basically, I realized that until I started selling some of my current designs, it didn’t make sense to really come up with a bunch of new ones. Problem was, I didn’t really know how to go about getting more sales apart from continual social media plugs and eventually getting into an actual store as a vendor.

Unfortunately, that was part of the waiting game. I was on two different wait lists for two different antique stores, but the lists were long and most of the people who were already established there didn’t want to leave. I can’t blame them for that – obviously something was working well there.

So I was stuck.

And I’ll be real with you guys, because that’s the sort of person that I am, it was hard not to feel just the *slightest* twinge of panic at the thought of having to go back to a regular 8-5 desk job. I didn’t have a problem getting part time work so that I could make ends meet while working on my business. But I spent so many years working in the medical field doing something that I absolutely HATED that I had a really hard time accepting that I might have to go back to that for a little bit. It was like, c’mon, life. I’ve done my time doing the crap stuff that I despise and living paycheck to paycheck. More than eight years of it, in fact. I just needed that little bone of hope, you know? It became tough enough that I really had to fight off those depressive thoughts that so often plague me.

Well, God is super gracious, as always. I had a very heartfelt cry that said, “Look, my heart knows that You’ll always take care of me, but my brain is getting in the way of that. I just need a little bit of a sign that says You hear me right now.”

Within a couple of weeks, I got connected to a different antique store, one that I had rather forgotten about but had a really good customer service experience with, and was offered a spot as a vendor there. While it’s not entirely set in stone just yet, because I have to wait for one of the other vendors to make a decision, it looks very good. The spot is perfect for what I’ve wanted, and they charge very reasonable fees for their vendors. Plus the woman who owns the shop is super nice and very laid back.

The other crazy thing that happened was I got offered a job interview for a part time position that I had applied for at a local company. I was hesitant at first, because again, I didn’t want to be stuck in a horrible receptionist position that I didn’t like. Turns out, the position that they really wanted to fill was basic organization, like making sure events were catered or reservations were made. Ordered office supplies. Some filing and possible letter writing.

In other words, it’s all the stuff that I actually ENJOY doing in an office with none of the stress. Sign me up.

The two people I interviewed with were fantastic and also very laid back. Again, the atmosphere of the office was very different from the medical field, which was so refreshing for me. The hours were slightly less than what I had been shooting for, but there was the possibility of things picking up soon, so more hours could be coming. I felt like the interview went really well, and they told me that I would hear from them the next week on what their decision was.

Well, less than two hours later I got a phone call that they were offering me the job.

I’m still just shaking my head at how quickly everything has progressed. Less than a month ago, I was really starting to feel the pressure of where I was going to get enough money to pay my basic bills. Dreading the thought that I might have to give up my business dream so soon. Wishing that I had just a little more time to be able to make things work.

Seriously, I feel so blessed.

I’m excited to get in with this store. I really feel like this is where I could make a decent paycheck and get my name out there. It’s where I can meet people and actually make some connections. Business is all about building relationships, so this is going to be awesome.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Don’t ever give up on your dreams. It’s going to take hard work and determination, but stick through the difficulties. I know this is going to be worth it in the end.

Okay, super long post, so here’s a random photo just for the heck of it. I finally visited Tumalo Falls State Park for the first time last year, and this beautiful river is truly a gem of Oregon. Tumalo Falls itself is gorgeous, but there are several other smaller falls as well that are just lovely. Plus the river and forest look like this as you’re walking along. I mean, how do you beat that?

Be blessed!

A New Business Adventure (and the scoop on what happened last year)

Well, Hawaii was a blast. I mean, like there’s any other way to describe something so close to paradise. I will say, however, as much as I thought that I was going to be fine in the heat and humidity, I was actually a little overheated a few times. When I had gone there before, it was at Oahu, and it rained a lot. Not a very hard rain, of course, but enough that it actually cooled me down quite a bit.

This time we were at Kona, and while it was still a ton of fun, the side of the island we were on really doesn’t get much more rain than we do in Central Oregon. (Which isn’t much at all.) The muggy humidity and lack of rain got to me a few times, but thankfully it wasn’t too bad overall. I guzzled water like a freaking camel and never went anywhere without my trusty 32 oz. HydroFlask.

We packed a lot into just a few short days, so Brother and I were pretty tired by the time we got home. But we got to see the tallest waterfall on the island, watch a live volcano, and go inside the oldest church on the island. We drove all around and saw a lot of different scenery. Plus our last day there, we got to spend the whole day at one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever seen in my life. We made definite plans to go back someday, and now we have a better idea of what to do there and where we want to spend more time.

I didn’t get quite as many photos as I had hoped for, but I was still able to get some decent ones. Even a few that I will be able to use for marketing purposes.

Which brings me to my announcement.

I’m super excited (and a little bit scared) to introduce my latest project, Hawk’s Haven Photography and Design. Any of you who have read my book, Prince of Light, might recognize the name Hawk’s Haven. It’s actually a family name. My grandparents used to own this little one-bedroom cabin by a lake. There was no running water, no electricity, and nothing but a wood stove for warmth. But multiple members of the family used it for vacations (and even a couple of honeymoons). I was quite young when we used to go there, but I still have fond memories of it. We went there to get away from the stress of everyday life and just enjoy nature. Thus when I decided to pursue landscape/nature photography and use my photos for home decor, it felt like a fitting tribute to the name.

Photo taken at the top of Black Crater in the Cascade Mountains of Oregon. Design by yours truly.

I’m so excited for this, guys. I’m still a writer and always will be. I’m also still working hard on book two of the Prince of Light series.

But there were a series of hardships I had to endure before I could continue working on that particular series. I know some of my followers have been here for a little while, and while I’m not sure exactly how many read my blog on a regular basis, they might have noticed some changes over the last year or so. I won’t go into details for the sake of the people involved, but last summer, I ended my marriage. In fact, this month has been a bit surreal for me, because the paperwork was finalized last October. It’s been almost one year exactly.

Believe me, you never think that you’re going to contribute to that statistic until you do. I never imagined that I would end up divorced. I mean, it’s not like you go into marriage with that mindset. I certainly didn’t. But the situation was an abusive one, and it wasn’t changing despite many efforts and time in counseling. Needless to say, writing a romantic storyline wasn’t exactly number one on my priorities, which is why the Prince of Light series had to take a hiatus.

For the most part, I feel strong. I don’t hate men, and I don’t hate my ex. I forgave him a long time ago. Unfortunately, this was the necessary path for both of us, but I believe we will both be better for it. I have amazing family support and a brilliant church family that I can’t praise enough. I am BLESSED. It’s hard to work through some of the emotional things that come from enduring something like this. Yes, I have moments where I feel like a failure. Moments where I feel like damaged goods. Anyone who has been through this can attest to that. But they’re just moments. I know who I am, and I know what I’ve been called to do. And I’m ready to start writing again.

Part of my healing has come from starting Hawk’s Haven Photography and Design. I’m narrowing down exactly which products I enjoy working on the most, and I’m always looking to improve my craft. This has been my dream since I was in my early twenties, and to finally be able to make it a reality is amazing.

And the best part? It’s a brand-new season and a fresh start.

Sneak peek at a design not yet available on my site. Lucky you!

Thanks for all the support, dear readers. I’m still going to post on a regular basis, but hopefully you won’t mind seeing some occasional pic-spam from my other projects. Plus, I’m always looking for good quotes that are public domain, so if you think of any that would look good as a print or greeting card, leave a comment.

Be blessed!

A Slight Rant

I try not to rant very often on this blog, because I believe in positivity and making the world a better place.

However.

Even I have to shake my head sometimes and take a moment to say, “What the *bleep* were they THINKING?”

Today’s moment of stupidity comes directly from my home state. It’s one of the states that happens to be on fire at the moment. (Half the country is flooded, the other half wishes we could pipeline that water directly onto our forests.) Every year, Oregon gets a few wildfires. It’s just what happens. We’re a part of the high desert, which means that it’s extremely hot and dry. We get very little rain here, unlike the small pocket of our state up by Portland. Most of us have common sense when it comes to that. You take proper precautions when you go camping, always use safety when dealing with any sort of fires, and don’t go driving on grassy lands.

And up until a few days ago, all of the major fires that happened here were of natural causes. We had some decent thunderstorms come rolling through, and dry lightning sparked the huge ol’ wildfires that quickly took control of our beautiful state.

Then this happened. (Pardon the bits of language in it. Unfortunately, in this case I’m inclined to agree with the author.) Yeah. Some teenager decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the forest. FIREWORKS.

In. The. FOREST.

I feel like there’s a life lesson in this somewhere. Our words (and actions) do affect other people, whether we realize it or not. One person caused 153 hikers to be put into danger because they became stranded due to the sudden flames. (Thankfully, all hikers were accounted for and able to make it to safety.) Our poor firefighters, who are already so tired from trying to contain the other thousands of acres of burning forest now have another fire to wrestle.

People’s homes are being evacuated and threatened. And the trickle-down effect continues to even people like me. Not only are we having to deal with ash and smoke choking us, but actions like this still can cause damage to people in my new line of work. I’m focusing on becoming a landscape and nature photographer. I rely on being able to get out and get pictures in order to have an income. Sure, it’s small change compared to the poor people who are losing their homes, but the point is that it affects everyone and there are a ton of people who have to deal with the aftermath of this.

Now, I’m sure the kid who started this whole thing feels pretty darn bad about it. At least, I would HOPE he does. That’s a tough way to learn life right there. Yes, son, your actions do cause a reaction. Because science.

However, getting back to my other point, I kind of feel like our words and how we live are the same way. One negative comment or action can cause a wildfire of emotions in someone else. One spark was all it took for the forest to burn. A few words might be all it takes to send someone over the edge. We need to stay positive. Speak life. The world is already full of death. Bring it to life instead.

See? I managed to make it a mostly positive post after all. 😀