Processing a Loss

Last night, just as I was getting ready to fall asleep, I was scrolling mindlessly through social media. (Yes, I know you’re not supposed to do that right before bed. I’m unhealthy, what can I say?) I saw a post from a group that I follow stating that Reita, the bassist from the Japanese metal band The GazettE, had passed away very suddenly that day. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I wanted so badly for it to be nothing more than a hoax – simply someone playing a prank. 

But to my complete devastation, it was confirmed to be true by The GazettE’s official site, and I’m feeling a complete mixture of emotions right now. 

Devastation. Shock. Sadness. Still a bit of denial.

I’m old enough to have seen more than my fair share of celebrity deaths, including some that were really difficult for me. (Heath Ledger, for starters.) But this? I can’t even begin to process it. 

I first started listening to them when I was barely out of high school. I was working my first “real” job at a local community library, and The GazettE and Nightwish were my first introductions to the world of metal, though I really give The GazettE a little more credit because I did technically listen to them first. Both bands had a completely unique sound, which just fueled my desire to hear more. 

However, both bands were also incredibly talented in so many ways, and it was a long time before I found any others that could even remotely compare to them. 

I think that’s why this particular celebrity death hit me so damn hard. The GazettE’s music has been a part of my life for the last 21 years, and to imagine a part of it suddenly gone…it’s beyond heartbreaking. I’ve listened to and followed these beautiful souls since I was basically a child myself – have grown up beside them. Their music carried me through dark times and lifted my spirits when I was battling severe depression. I adore these members. I love their music and their passion for what they do. I’ve long felt they were so underrated and underappreciated, because their talent is absolutely spectacular. I simply can’t quite picture what this world is like without one of them in it.

Perhaps it seems silly to cry so hard for someone that I’ve never even met. But when you’ve had that presence in your life – even just a virtual one – it’s so very, very difficult to accept when it’s no longer there. 

I truly send all the good vibes and love in this world for the rest of the members and for Reita’s family and friends. May his spirit be at peace now.

Know that you will be greatly, greatly missed, dear friend.

Trauma and Recovery

I don’t normally post such personal sentiments, but I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately because I was feeling a little down for some reason. I was having a hard time figuring out why I felt so spontaneously sad when I suddenly realized what time of year it is.

As of July 4th, it will have been six years since I made the decision to leave my ex-husband.

Six years. The same number of years that I was married to him. 

My therapist has often told me that our bodies remember trauma. So even if we feel like we’re having a good month, or are thinking about new and exciting things, our bodies remember the trauma that we’ve faced in the past around that same time. It can cause us to feel unpredictable emotionally. 

I remember July 3rd of 2016 very vividly. It was a night that I cried myself to sleep because I was so broken and beaten up verbally and emotionally, and I was simply exhausted. I remember begging God to either make it better or just let me go. When I woke up the next morning, I had complete and total peace, and I knew exactly what I had to do. 

I had to leave. 

As someone who had already dealt with body image issues and major insecurities already, it was incredibly traumatic to be constantly told how horrible I was as a person. I was a terrible wife, spoiled, selfish, ungrateful, and he often told me how much he hated me. The only compliments ever given were regarding my looks, and even then I was told that he probably wouldn’t want me if those weren’t there anymore. I tried my best to overcome these “flaws” and be the best wife I could be, but nothing I ever did was good enough, and I lived in constant fear that he would harm me or the animals if I didn’t do exactly what he wanted. 

And unfortunately, no one really knew the extent of it. To this day, there are people from the church that he and I attended who refuse to talk to me because they think that I simply couldn’t forgive his “porn addiction.” Well, I hate to break it to ya’ll, but the porn had nothing to do with it. 

The church as a whole has the unfortunate tendency to be unknowingly cruel to those of us who no longer fit their mold. I am absolutely guilty of doing this myself. I was so often very unloving towards outsiders who weren’t like me, but in my mind I was being very gracious and compassionate because they just “didn’t know the truth.” Such hypocrisy. 

The real Truth is a person, and He doesn’t give a flying you-know-what about people’s backgrounds, lifestyles or works. He treasures their hearts just as they are, and that’s really all there is to it. 

I wish I could issue a mass apology to all of the people that I’ve hurt over the years by being so pretentious and out of touch with reality. As is the case with many, I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. It took finally being on the other side of the wrath of religion for me to realize just how unfeeling I had been in the past. 

For those who are dealing with their own traumas and abuse, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I know how incredibly scary it is, and I know how high the stakes are. I could have been financially ruined, and I feared for the safety of my family. It was one of the many reasons I forced myself to stay in the situation as long as I did. But there IS help available, and getting free from those chains is so worth the risk. 

Find the ones you trust, and talk to them. Get the help. Start living your life. 

Safety and blessings to you all,

K.C.

Update

Well, guys, I suck.

After several delays in getting my original proof, as well as some final tweaks that need to be done on the manuscript, I obviously did not get The Isle of Never out in the month that I initially wanted. However, now that things are starting to settle down a little bit, I’m able to shift my focus back to getting it published. I’m terribly sorry that there’s been a delay in this, but sometimes life spins around too fast, you know?

It doesn’t help that summer is one of my optimal times of year to get photos for my other business, Hawk’s Haven Photography & Design. While it’s still somewhat of a startup, I’m constantly working to build my portfolio, establish myself on social media, and create products that will hopefully sell. Unfortunately, that means that it takes up a lot of my focus during this part of the year, and I simply didn’t manage my time well when it came to the publication of my book.

It’s the curse of many creative people. We want so badly to make money doing the thing we love, but until we can get established as a business, we still have to pay the bills. For me, that means working part-time as a housekeeper for a hotel. I actually like the work, for the most part. It keeps me active, which helps me continue working towards getting my physique back to where it was, and it isn’t mentally exhausting, which was often a problem with my desk jobs.

However, it still takes time away from the things that I’m most passionate about. I know, I’m putting way more pressure on myself than anyone else does, but I can’t help it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and that can often be my downfall when it comes to completing tasks. (I’m a 4 on the Enneagram, for those of you familiar with that. It’s a blessing and a curse.)

Anyway, I was feeling guilty for not updating everyone on the reasons for the delay, so I wanted to post and update and say that I will be getting the final edits done soon! Thanks to everyone who remains supportive of my little dream. You all mean a lot to me. ❤

The Steadfast

Safe to say life is a little crazy right now. People are wondering what the future looks like, whether or not they’ll have a job to come back to, how this will affect their kids, etc.

I don’t have any real words of wisdom other than hold on to your “constant.”

What I mean by that is the thing that gets you through the worst of times. For me, I happen to believe in God. I’m not a very stereotypical Christian anymore because there’s a lot of theology that I happen to disagree with. I won’t get into the details of that, but the one thing that has stayed constant for me is my relationship with God.

Perhaps you’re a spiritual person in a different sort of way. Perhaps you’re not spiritual at all and you find hope in logic. Whatever your constant may be, hold onto it.

I like to think of it the way I do my favorite mountains. I happen to live in beautiful Central Oregon, and because I was born and raised here, the mountains have been a part of my skyline for as long as I can remember. There are three in particular that are incredibly well known in this area, generally referred to as the Three Sisters.

This is from my absolute favorite viewpoint. It’s hard to capture in a photograph, but you’re so close to the mountains that you can see the details of their ridge lines and the rocks and crags on them. It’s amazing.

Because I know this area so well, I always know where the Three Sisters are located. From my particular hometown, you can see their peaks from almost any part of the city. It doesn’t matter if they’re covered by clouds or fog, or if the sun has set. I know they’ll always be there.

That’s kind of how God is for me. It doesn’t matter if there are times when my own clouds of anxiety keep me from seeing Him in the moment. He’s still there for me.

So I repeat, whatever your “constant” is, hold onto it. This, too, shall pass, and we’ll come out the other side. But whatever you need to do in the moment to help get through it, be patient with yourself. It’s going to be okay.

Hugs to you all! (Digitally, of course, so we’re ten feet apart.) 😀

Happy New Year!

I’ve been a geek pretty much all my life. I was a geek when it was extremely uncool to be one, and I was a geek when they were fairly well accepted in everyday life. It’s simply a part of who I am and what I happen to be interested in. I have a Lord of the Rings collection. There is still fanart from The Legend of Zelda hanging in my room. I’m cool with this. 

And honestly, the older I get the more I realize that some of us were just meant to be kids forever. I missed out on a lot of the spontaneity of youth because I let fear rule my life. Now I’m in my mid-30’s, and I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of me. Quite frankly, I like this version of me much better. 

One of the things that hasn’t changed about me over the years is my love of costumes. I went full-out the first time I ever went to a Comic Con and bought a really great Black Widow costume. It was pricey, but LEGIT. I loved the experience so much that I realized it brought back a little dream of mine. 

I had always thought it would be really fun to do costumed Christmas cards. I tried to get my ex-husband to get in on it with me, but he utterly refused. He told me it was a stupid idea, one of the many times his verbal abuse made me feel like a terrible person, and it was all I could to get him to pose for regular pictures. 

Here’s the thing. I adore photo Christmas cards. I love seeing smiling faces and happy families and watching my friend’s children grow each year. I like seeing what they’ve chosen to wear this time around, and what the backdrop is. So for me, I thought It would be so cool to have a theme each year. Dress in costume, go the whole nine yards. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to be the one that everyone looks forward to each year, wondering, “What did she come up with this time?” 

Well, I left that abusive marriage about three years ago. Best decision I ever made. (Which only slightly makes up for the worst decision I ever made, but I digress.) I’m still a single gal, and for the first few years it seemed a little weird to just do Christmas cards of me by myself. Yeah, I know, I could have done whatever I wanted, but I ultimately chose not to go that route.

But then I got my beautiful Bailey last year. Suddenly, around the fall, I realized that I had the partner in crime I’d always wanted. She looks pretty “wolfie” in appearance, so I decided to do a last-minute themed Christmas card. My friend’s mom is a great photographer and agreed to take the photos for me, so I threw together a costume using materials that I found from Goodwill and St. Vincent’s. 

They turned out fabulous. Every bit of what I wanted them to be. I loved seeing them, and I sent a copy to every friend and family member that I could think of. The response was exactly what I knew it would be, and people thought they were great. 

So you know what? The next time someone tells you that you can’t do something, or that an idea is stupid, do it anyway. Maybe the response won’t be so positive, but gosh darn it, if it makes you happy then that’s all that matters anyway. 

Be fabulous, my dears. And have a blessed New Year, from Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. 

Bailey

For those of you who have followed me for several years, and THANK YOU, by the way, you will know that I used to have several pets. At one point, I owned two dogs and two cats. They were all amazing, but over time they all were either re-homed or sadly went over the rainbow bridge. (I still miss you like crazy, sweet Ludo.)

It was difficult to re-home the ones that we did, but I know that it was the best decision. They have loving families that spoil them rotten, and due to circumstances being what they were at the time, they weren’t always safe staying with me. I won’t go into details, but since I was in an abusive situation at the time, they were sometimes caught up in the crossfire. Now I know they’re all safe and happy, but it was a lonely two and a half years of no pets when Brother and I were living in the rental property.

We’re currently in a living situation where our temporary roommates have two cats, but I confess that I was feeling very lonely. Yes, I was in a houseful of people, but I didn’t always feel like I fit in. The pain of losing Mom last year and all of the incredible changes that we’ve gone through, including a completely new house and living space, meant that I was fighting depression quite a bit.

The funny thing about being an introvert is that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. And while being alone is ultimately what helps recharge you, there’s also something about the steadfastness of a good friend/spouse/significant other that helps get you through those times. Add in depression, and you really come to rely on unconditional love to get through those low moments. It’s different for everyone, but personally speaking, I don’t know what I would do without my faith. It’s been my security and hope more times than I can count.

But I also believe that God gives us tangible things to help us through and remind us that He cares. That, I believe, includes the beauty of pets.

All that to say, meet Bailey!

Honestly, I was ready to walk out of the shelter empty-handed. None of the other dogs that I met were anywhere near what I was looking for, and our personalities just didn’t mesh.

But this sweet girl came in on the same day that I happened to be there. One hour before I arrived, actually. I was delayed getting to the shelter, and if I had come in at the time that I originally planned, I would have missed seeing her altogether. Coincidence? I think not! 🙂 I fell in love immediately, and the next day, I took her home.

We’re still in the new stages of getting to know each other and getting used to the new normal, but she’s been amazing. She had a lot of changes in a very short amount of time, but she’s settling in just fine so far. She’s great on a leash, super affectionate, and she’s already starting to fill that void in my heart that had been empty for some time.

We’re not 100% sure of her breed, but I’m guessing her to be a German shepherd/Samoyed mix. And since she’s pretty big, I know I’m going to feel much safer hiking on my own now. I’ll try not to spam my blog with dog pics *too* much, but there’s no guarantees. I mean, just look at this face:

No promises on the dog pics. No promises at all. 😉

Can’t wait for the next adventure!

Thank you, Taco Bell

To the random Taco Bell employee who waited on me yesterday: Thank you.

You see, when I went to grab a quick dinner with my brother and some of his friends, I was feeling pretty down. But one little piece of sunshine made me feel a little bit better. The Taco Bell employee that I met at the counter yesterday was bubbly, all smiles, and absolutely fantastic. And you know what made my day?

She complimented my makeup.

Oh, I know, that might seem pretty trivial to some people. But here’s the thing. That Taco Bell employee didn’t know that I’d had a complete meltdown that morning. She didn’t know how stressed I was from being in the middle of moving, and that my life was completely turned upside down right now. She didn’t know that my mother died earlier this year, and that I’m still grieving the fact that the one person who always understood me, the one who could’ve truly helped me through this whole process, is just gone. She didn’t know that I had looked at my makeup that morning and felt it was crap because I had cried through most of the application.

She had no idea.

She just complimented my makeup, and we laughed and joked around a little bit before she went on to the next customer.

It probably meant nothing to her. Just another day at her workplace, another dollar to be earned. But she made my day so much better because she saw something that I couldn’t see in the moment, and she said it out loud.

Sometimes we need to remember to say those little things. If you like someone’s shirt, tell them. If you notice a hair color that really catches your eye, say something. You never know what someone else is going through, and you never know who might need that little word of encouragement. It might seem really silly to you, but it could mean the world to them.

Every person has a story – you get to decide whether or not you’re going to listen to it. Just my quick two cents for today.

Beauty from Ashes

This is my beautiful family. From the left, this is my mother, myself, Brother, and my dad. This photo is one of the last taken of all of us together, during a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Hawaii. My parents had dreamed of this for years, and since we were able to stay with some friends who live there, it wasn’t as expensive as it could have been.

Little did we know that just a few months later, my wonderful, amazing mother would take her final breaths in this world.

I suppose in a way we all knew it was coming. She had been sick for a while, and though we never gave up hope that she would recover, in a few short weeks her health deteriorated very rapidly. I thought this would be it for me. When I saw how difficult it was getting for Mom to do even simple tasks, I felt dread. I got mad. I yelled at God. Several times, in fact. I denied what I knew was coming and felt only devastation.

Then she made the decision to check herself into hospice. Suddenly, it was a reality. I mean, everyone knows what hospice means, right?

But you know what? As much as I dreaded what was coming, I also felt an amazing sense of peace. Acceptance. I got to have so many things with my mother that not every person gets to experience. She was my best friend, my confidant, and the most incredible mother in the world. I got to be beside her in her final moments. I got to tell her how much I loved her and how wonderful a mother she was. How many people honestly get that opportunity?

So here’s three things that I’ve learned as I’ve processed reality during this time. And I’ll warn you, while I don’t usually tend to get “preachy” on this blog, I’m using it as a part of my healing process, so you might find more spiritual stuff than normal.

1.) Don’t let fear rule your life.

Seriously, I held myself back on so many things over the years, it’s ridiculous. I’ve always struggled with self-esteem, and too many times I didn’t allow myself to participate in things because I was self-conscious. Whether it was of how I looked, or if someone would like me or not…it doesn’t matter. The fact is, when we know the Author of Love, there’s simply no room for fear. My mother always quoted Graham Cooke when I talked about my hesitations and fears of failure. She would tell me, “Remember, it’s always a green light until God turns it red.” That means that I can step out in confidence, because I trust that if there’s a path that I’m not supposed to take, He’ll let me know. Otherwise, I’m going for it. Take opportunities as they come. They might not come back around again.

2.) God really is able of working all things for good.

Trust me, I did not think this was possible when it came to something like this. I flat out told God that there was no way He could produce something good from losing my mother at such a young age. When I confronted Him and very angrily demanded WHY, He didn’t give me a direct answer. Yet, in His own way, He still did. I know it doesn’t make sense, but He helped me realize just how big the picture was. We’re talking about eternity here. It’s so much more than we could ever imagine. Now that I look back, I see where God was preparing me every step of the way. No one could ever, ever replace my mother, but He placed a mother figure in my life in my pastor’s wife. He knew that I would need her there, so He made sure that I had that connection established. For that matter, He knew that I would need my church family as a whole. I honestly don’t know I would do without their unconditional love and support.

He restored part of my finances. Obviously I would a million times rather have my mother in this world than any other earthly good, but because she always put everyone else before herself, she made sure that my father was well taken care of financially. Through that generosity, my father is now able to give some of that to my brother and me. It’s a long story as to why the restoration of stolen finances are so important to me, but suffice to say, even now that she’s gone, she is still taking care of her children and blessing them. She always wanted to be able to give more, and now she is doing exactly that.

Her life touched so many people, I’m astounded. As a family, we’ve spoken to so many who have been impacted by my mother. And through my personal journey, I’m able to reach out to people in a way that I might never have been able to before.

3.) Don’t stay in the past.

That’s not to say that you can’t remember things, because memories are part of what shape us into who we are. But when you dwell in the past, you miss the here and now. Plus, it leaves too much room for regret. Of course there were things that I wanted to do with Mom that I will never get to now. But instead of focusing on what we DIDN’T get to do together, I remember all that we DID. I treasure every moment, every walk, every hug. I will never, ever, forget my mother, but I will not let myself fall into the trap of “What if…?”

My mother was only 60 years old when she passed. That’s it. I’m more than halfway there. Now, I’m certainly not projecting that I’m going to die at 60, because I plan to live much longer than that. But I have to ask myself, if that was all that I had, what would I do differently? How many more risks would I take? How much more time would I spend with those that I love? If I spend each day as though I’ve only got a few left, I’m going to make the most of every single thing that I do, and every person that I meet.

If that’s our mindset, then there is nothing we can’t accomplish. And at the end of our time, we can rest in the same words that my mother wrote at the end of her journal, quoting Paul:

“I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.”

Fight the good fight.

Finish the race.

Keep the faith.

Me and the best mom in the world.

In Which My Brother Thinks He’s Being Haunted By a Disney Cup

How many oldies do we have on this blog? Raise your ancient hands. Just me? Really? C’mon now. Tell the truth.

Well, whatever the case, how many of you remember waaaaay back in the day when McDonald’s had those limited edition Disney glasses? I don’t remember what the heck they were celebrating, but somewhere along the line we ended up with one of them.

You remember these guys, right? Tell me I’m not the only one.

So we’ve had this Disney glass for, like, AGES. Both Brother and I remember growing up with it always handy in the cupboard at Mom and Dad’s house. It’s a nice size and hey, it’s Mickey Mouse so what’s not to love?

Well, apparently Brother always thought that the glass was mine for some reason. I mean, heck, maybe it was at some point. It’s been too long for me to really care now. Mom, on the other hand, assumed it was Brother’s glass. So she always made sure that it ended up wherever he was.

In the most recent move, however, it somehow ended up BACK at Mom and Dad’s, so when she discovered it, she was more than happy to bring it over to our place. Now, Brother and I have been housemates for well over a year, but one can never have too much glassware. And again, it’s a pretty nice cup. I thought it was super sweet of her to bring it over, so I just stuck it in the cupboard with the rest of our glasses and thought no more of it.

I sort of forgot to tell Brother that Mom had brought it by (and he was at work during the time she was over), so one day I see him reach into the cupboard, pull out the glass and go, “Huh.”

“What?” I asked.

He shrugged. “It’s just kind of weird. No matter where I live, this cup always ends up following me.”

So apparently Mom has been just happily supplying him with what she thought was one of his favorite childhood cups, and he just kept finding it magically appear in every house he’s ever lived in. Everywhere he goes, he just opens up a cupboard and there it is again. Thus he is haunted by mystical cups that never go away.

Disney Magic indeed.

It’s About to Pick Up

Phew, had a little bit of a busy week. Honestly, I’m not really complaining. I like to stay productive, so it was actually good for me to have a full schedule.

I felt like I hit a little bit of a standstill during part of January and into February. I had done pretty much everything that I could to get the business up and running, was still staying active on social media and whatnot, but I was officially stuck in the waiting game. Basically, I realized that until I started selling some of my current designs, it didn’t make sense to really come up with a bunch of new ones. Problem was, I didn’t really know how to go about getting more sales apart from continual social media plugs and eventually getting into an actual store as a vendor.

Unfortunately, that was part of the waiting game. I was on two different wait lists for two different antique stores, but the lists were long and most of the people who were already established there didn’t want to leave. I can’t blame them for that – obviously something was working well there.

So I was stuck.

And I’ll be real with you guys, because that’s the sort of person that I am, it was hard not to feel just the *slightest* twinge of panic at the thought of having to go back to a regular 8-5 desk job. I didn’t have a problem getting part time work so that I could make ends meet while working on my business. But I spent so many years working in the medical field doing something that I absolutely HATED that I had a really hard time accepting that I might have to go back to that for a little bit. It was like, c’mon, life. I’ve done my time doing the crap stuff that I despise and living paycheck to paycheck. More than eight years of it, in fact. I just needed that little bone of hope, you know? It became tough enough that I really had to fight off those depressive thoughts that so often plague me.

Well, God is super gracious, as always. I had a very heartfelt cry that said, “Look, my heart knows that You’ll always take care of me, but my brain is getting in the way of that. I just need a little bit of a sign that says You hear me right now.”

Within a couple of weeks, I got connected to a different antique store, one that I had rather forgotten about but had a really good customer service experience with, and was offered a spot as a vendor there. While it’s not entirely set in stone just yet, because I have to wait for one of the other vendors to make a decision, it looks very good. The spot is perfect for what I’ve wanted, and they charge very reasonable fees for their vendors. Plus the woman who owns the shop is super nice and very laid back.

The other crazy thing that happened was I got offered a job interview for a part time position that I had applied for at a local company. I was hesitant at first, because again, I didn’t want to be stuck in a horrible receptionist position that I didn’t like. Turns out, the position that they really wanted to fill was basic organization, like making sure events were catered or reservations were made. Ordered office supplies. Some filing and possible letter writing.

In other words, it’s all the stuff that I actually ENJOY doing in an office with none of the stress. Sign me up.

The two people I interviewed with were fantastic and also very laid back. Again, the atmosphere of the office was very different from the medical field, which was so refreshing for me. The hours were slightly less than what I had been shooting for, but there was the possibility of things picking up soon, so more hours could be coming. I felt like the interview went really well, and they told me that I would hear from them the next week on what their decision was.

Well, less than two hours later I got a phone call that they were offering me the job.

I’m still just shaking my head at how quickly everything has progressed. Less than a month ago, I was really starting to feel the pressure of where I was going to get enough money to pay my basic bills. Dreading the thought that I might have to give up my business dream so soon. Wishing that I had just a little more time to be able to make things work.

Seriously, I feel so blessed.

I’m excited to get in with this store. I really feel like this is where I could make a decent paycheck and get my name out there. It’s where I can meet people and actually make some connections. Business is all about building relationships, so this is going to be awesome.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Don’t ever give up on your dreams. It’s going to take hard work and determination, but stick through the difficulties. I know this is going to be worth it in the end.

Okay, super long post, so here’s a random photo just for the heck of it. I finally visited Tumalo Falls State Park for the first time last year, and this beautiful river is truly a gem of Oregon. Tumalo Falls itself is gorgeous, but there are several other smaller falls as well that are just lovely. Plus the river and forest look like this as you’re walking along. I mean, how do you beat that?

Be blessed!