Processing a Loss

Last night, just as I was getting ready to fall asleep, I was scrolling mindlessly through social media. (Yes, I know you’re not supposed to do that right before bed. I’m unhealthy, what can I say?) I saw a post from a group that I follow stating that Reita, the bassist from the Japanese metal band The GazettE, had passed away very suddenly that day. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I wanted so badly for it to be nothing more than a hoax – simply someone playing a prank. 

But to my complete devastation, it was confirmed to be true by The GazettE’s official site, and I’m feeling a complete mixture of emotions right now. 

Devastation. Shock. Sadness. Still a bit of denial.

I’m old enough to have seen more than my fair share of celebrity deaths, including some that were really difficult for me. (Heath Ledger, for starters.) But this? I can’t even begin to process it. 

I first started listening to them when I was barely out of high school. I was working my first “real” job at a local community library, and The GazettE and Nightwish were my first introductions to the world of metal, though I really give The GazettE a little more credit because I did technically listen to them first. Both bands had a completely unique sound, which just fueled my desire to hear more. 

However, both bands were also incredibly talented in so many ways, and it was a long time before I found any others that could even remotely compare to them. 

I think that’s why this particular celebrity death hit me so damn hard. The GazettE’s music has been a part of my life for the last 21 years, and to imagine a part of it suddenly gone…it’s beyond heartbreaking. I’ve listened to and followed these beautiful souls since I was basically a child myself – have grown up beside them. Their music carried me through dark times and lifted my spirits when I was battling severe depression. I adore these members. I love their music and their passion for what they do. I’ve long felt they were so underrated and underappreciated, because their talent is absolutely spectacular. I simply can’t quite picture what this world is like without one of them in it.

Perhaps it seems silly to cry so hard for someone that I’ve never even met. But when you’ve had that presence in your life – even just a virtual one – it’s so very, very difficult to accept when it’s no longer there. 

I truly send all the good vibes and love in this world for the rest of the members and for Reita’s family and friends. May his spirit be at peace now.

Know that you will be greatly, greatly missed, dear friend.

Trauma and Recovery

I don’t normally post such personal sentiments, but I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately because I was feeling a little down for some reason. I was having a hard time figuring out why I felt so spontaneously sad when I suddenly realized what time of year it is.

As of July 4th, it will have been six years since I made the decision to leave my ex-husband.

Six years. The same number of years that I was married to him. 

My therapist has often told me that our bodies remember trauma. So even if we feel like we’re having a good month, or are thinking about new and exciting things, our bodies remember the trauma that we’ve faced in the past around that same time. It can cause us to feel unpredictable emotionally. 

I remember July 3rd of 2016 very vividly. It was a night that I cried myself to sleep because I was so broken and beaten up verbally and emotionally, and I was simply exhausted. I remember begging God to either make it better or just let me go. When I woke up the next morning, I had complete and total peace, and I knew exactly what I had to do. 

I had to leave. 

As someone who had already dealt with body image issues and major insecurities already, it was incredibly traumatic to be constantly told how horrible I was as a person. I was a terrible wife, spoiled, selfish, ungrateful, and he often told me how much he hated me. The only compliments ever given were regarding my looks, and even then I was told that he probably wouldn’t want me if those weren’t there anymore. I tried my best to overcome these “flaws” and be the best wife I could be, but nothing I ever did was good enough, and I lived in constant fear that he would harm me or the animals if I didn’t do exactly what he wanted. 

And unfortunately, no one really knew the extent of it. To this day, there are people from the church that he and I attended who refuse to talk to me because they think that I simply couldn’t forgive his “porn addiction.” Well, I hate to break it to ya’ll, but the porn had nothing to do with it. 

The church as a whole has the unfortunate tendency to be unknowingly cruel to those of us who no longer fit their mold. I am absolutely guilty of doing this myself. I was so often very unloving towards outsiders who weren’t like me, but in my mind I was being very gracious and compassionate because they just “didn’t know the truth.” Such hypocrisy. 

The real Truth is a person, and He doesn’t give a flying you-know-what about people’s backgrounds, lifestyles or works. He treasures their hearts just as they are, and that’s really all there is to it. 

I wish I could issue a mass apology to all of the people that I’ve hurt over the years by being so pretentious and out of touch with reality. As is the case with many, I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. It took finally being on the other side of the wrath of religion for me to realize just how unfeeling I had been in the past. 

For those who are dealing with their own traumas and abuse, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I know how incredibly scary it is, and I know how high the stakes are. I could have been financially ruined, and I feared for the safety of my family. It was one of the many reasons I forced myself to stay in the situation as long as I did. But there IS help available, and getting free from those chains is so worth the risk. 

Find the ones you trust, and talk to them. Get the help. Start living your life. 

Safety and blessings to you all,

K.C.

The Isle of Never – ANNOUNCMENT

It’s finally live!

After months of tweaks and making sure everything was formatted properly, I am VERY excited to announce that my young adult fantasy, The Isle of Never, is available through Amazon. (You can check it out here.)

This is a lighthearted, standalone fantasy that offers a little different perspective on the Peter Pan story. When a high school senior finds herself cast down to the Isle of Never, or Neverland, she’s met with a motley crew of pirates – including a rather dashing Captain Jameson Hawk, a man better known by the name “Hook.”

This was one of my favorite stories to write, and I hope readers enjoy it as much as I do. Part adventure, part romance, it sheds a different light on the fanciful island as well as the rogue pirates destined to roam it.

It was based on a dream that I had years ago, where basically the entire contents of chapters 2 and 3 took place. The dream was so vivid and the emotions so real that I immediately ran to my laptop and began typing as fast as I could, trying to remember everything. The rest of the story just poured forth from there.

Thank you all for your patience during this. While self-publishing is very rewarding in its own right, it is also a LOT of work. Sometimes I get frustrated at how much time it takes to get things right, but when I see the final result and hold it in my hands, it all feels worth it.

I hope you enjoy!

Kendra

Update

Well, guys, I suck.

After several delays in getting my original proof, as well as some final tweaks that need to be done on the manuscript, I obviously did not get The Isle of Never out in the month that I initially wanted. However, now that things are starting to settle down a little bit, I’m able to shift my focus back to getting it published. I’m terribly sorry that there’s been a delay in this, but sometimes life spins around too fast, you know?

It doesn’t help that summer is one of my optimal times of year to get photos for my other business, Hawk’s Haven Photography & Design. While it’s still somewhat of a startup, I’m constantly working to build my portfolio, establish myself on social media, and create products that will hopefully sell. Unfortunately, that means that it takes up a lot of my focus during this part of the year, and I simply didn’t manage my time well when it came to the publication of my book.

It’s the curse of many creative people. We want so badly to make money doing the thing we love, but until we can get established as a business, we still have to pay the bills. For me, that means working part-time as a housekeeper for a hotel. I actually like the work, for the most part. It keeps me active, which helps me continue working towards getting my physique back to where it was, and it isn’t mentally exhausting, which was often a problem with my desk jobs.

However, it still takes time away from the things that I’m most passionate about. I know, I’m putting way more pressure on myself than anyone else does, but I can’t help it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and that can often be my downfall when it comes to completing tasks. (I’m a 4 on the Enneagram, for those of you familiar with that. It’s a blessing and a curse.)

Anyway, I was feeling guilty for not updating everyone on the reasons for the delay, so I wanted to post and update and say that I will be getting the final edits done soon! Thanks to everyone who remains supportive of my little dream. You all mean a lot to me. ❤

Cover Reveal!

As you can see by the update of my header, I’m finally releasing the cover reveal of my newest baby, and I’m SO EXCITED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.

This standalone story was actually written many, many years ago after I had a dream that I fell down to Neverland. Or, as it is properly known, the Isle of Never.

You see, Mr. J.M. Barrie mixed up a few details when he mistakenly traveled there in the early 1900’s. Turns out this island is nothing like the fanciful place of children’s dreams. And more importantly, the infamous sea captain Jameson Hawk, a man better known under the name “Hook,” is not the villain most people make him out to be.

I’ll be revealing more in the weeks to come, but for now you’ll have to be happy with a teaser. Also, please pardon my dust when it comes to my blog. They’ve updated the theme that I’ve used since the beginning of my blogdom, and now I have to readjust everything. Plus it won’t let me change certain colors, which just curdles my cheese. I used to be able to customize everything.

But I digress.

I can’t wait to share some snippets of The Isle of Never with you as it gets closer to the actual release date. This story has been a long time coming, and I can’t wait to see this thing in print. More to come!

The Curse of the Creative Mind

I put in my two weeks’ notice on Monday. I won’t go into details, I’ll just say that I felt it was time for me to move on. A new chapter was ready to be opened.

However, it’s hard to not feel like a failure in these moments, because I often feel like I should be able to work things out. I think of my failed attempts over the years and it becomes overwhelming. Even with photography and writing, for example. I had pictured myself much further along by now in my personal terms of success. And as I was reflecting on this the other day, and how there must be something wrong with me, I had a sudden thought.

What if every creative person had given up on their dreams when it looked like they were impossible?

We see the stories all the time, of what stars were doing before they were famous. Jon Bon Jovi, for example, briefly worked as a janitor and even sold newspapers for a while. What if he had never pursued music the way that he did? The world would have been robbed of one of the best songwriters out there.

Stephen King always wanted to be a writer, but he had to settle for selling stories to magazines and newspapers before he finally got a break with Carrie. That didn’t happen until he was 26. While this is still pretty young for someone to find their career take off, it happened because he pursued it extensively and put in the hard work to back it up.

Harrison Ford didn’t land his first major role until he was in his early thirties, after which he spent time as a carpenter. What if he had stayed in that line of work? The world would have a very different Han Solo and Indiana Jones.

But I especially thought of Robin Williams. He always pursued comedy and acting, but he had to take his share of small time nightclubs and live performances at bars before making his way into television, all while battling depression. What if he had let that defeat him early on? What if he had succumbed to his depressive thoughts earlier? It was tragic enough that he let go of his life when he did, but can you imagine if it had happened in his twenties? The immense joy that he brought to people would have been lost forever. He was gone far too soon as it stands, but he also fought for a long time.

Now, I’m certainly not trying to compare myself to someone like Stephen King or Robin Williams. But it gave me a little bit of hope to think that there is value in the people who give us the creative arts. Books, movies, theater, craftsmanship…it all ties to together to make this world a little more beautiful. We need all manner of jobs, but we need entertainment as well. It gave me a renewed sense of determination in pursuing my dreams and the things that bring me joy.

I believe that our creative outlets usually reflect our inner state of mind. When we are happy, sad, angry, pensive…it manifests itself in our work. (This also proves true in most jobs, but that’s a blog post for another time.)

So for a small moment, I just want to encourage my fellow creatives. It’s hard to fight through the failures and rejections. To stay positive when you just want to give up. To ignore to the negativity of those around you. But when you overcome these obstacles, you become stronger. Resilient. Unbreakable.

Stay strong, my friends. I know you can do this.

Wildfire Season

Well, as many have probably seen in recent news, my beautiful home state of Oregon has experienced some of the worst wildfires we’ve ever seen. I won’t go into the political side of things (though I most certainly have my own opinions about it), but I will say that I am so grateful to our firefighters who are bravely facing the oncoming flames.

It breaks my heart to see such destruction, especially for the people who have lost their homes and/or businesses due to this catastrophe. We’re Oregon Strong, and we’ll get through this, but there are some days when it’s hard to stay positive.

We experienced the density of the smoke here in Central Oregon. It rolled in like a thick layer of fog.

At the worst of times, I couldn’t even see the houses at the end of the cul de sac that’s barely half a block away. This was particularly unfortunate for me, as I’m allergic to smoke in general. I relied heavily on antihistamines and prayed daily for the safety of our poor wildfire crews. It was easy to grow restless. I live in Oregon for a reason, and it’s primarily because I like to spend copious amounts of time outdoors.

This is a time when we are reminded just how easy it is to take simple pleasures for granted. Being able to go for a walk. Keeping the windows open for long amounts of time. And for many of us, being able to visit our favorite trails. I’m utterly devastated that some of my favorite hiking spots in the entire state are going up in flames. I’m almost afraid to learn about just how much damage has taken place, when it could have been prevented.

But I digress.

For now, I will look at the many photos I have of these places and I will be thankful that I got to enjoy them when I did. I will savor these moments of clean, pure air now that the rain has finally washed away the stench of smoke. And I hope that I will not take for granted the moments that make this life so special.

Be blessed.

Taking the Plunge

I’ve been hemming and hawing over a dilemma for months now. Well, nearly a year, if I’m honest. I’ve had the idea for my next novel, which as previously mentioned, will be more of a high fantasy. Not that I don’t love my YA or anything, but I’ve had a character who desperately deserves her own story for far too long. I’ve been working on this character’s book for a couple of months and am over halfway through getting the story on paper. But it’s still a long ways to go before it will be even close to gearing it for publication.

So I made a big decision. After making several (and I mean SEVERAL) queries to agents, I’ve decided to self-publish my standalone young adult fantasy to give readers something to satisfy them until my high fantasy is complete. My standalone young adult is already finished and somewhat polished, thanks to a couple of beta readers.

Basically, once I have an editor do a final go-through (and I’ve already contacted one for pricing), I’ll just need to hire a cover designer and it will be ready to be formatted for publishing.

To be realistic, my adult fantasy will likely not be out until next year at the soonest. The first draft isn’t completed yet, and it will have several stages to go through before it’s even close to being “publish-ready.” The sequel to Prince of Light is in even earlier stages than that.

As much as I would have loved to see this standalone young adult go through an actual publisher, I believe it’s a story that is worth getting out there. It’s been sitting in my computer for years. I’ll be honest, it’s a little scary. But it’s also exciting.

So all that to say, stay tuned for updates!

Final Fantasy VII: Remake (Review – Part One)

I was sorely distracted at work today, because they’re building the new airport parking lot directly across the street from my building. Thanks to my co-worker, I was told that the distinct trembling of the building was due to the rollers, who were pounding down rocks to make asphalt. It wouldn’t have been so terrible, but it made my buttcheeks tremble in my chair, which was, as previously mentioned, very distracting. 

After spending most of the morning dealing with a moving company, which was actually the better part of the day, I then managed to whack my boss in the head with a cabinet door whilst looking for envelopes. 

I may need more therapy after all this. 

But despite these minor inconveniences, what has mainly kept me going the last week or so is the release of the glorious Final Fantasy VII Remake. As per our usual tradition, my brother has been the one doing the playing while both of us have been transfixed by the beauty of this game. I daresay it’s going to end up in my top five favorite games.

So here’s my weird confession. 

Sephiroth has long been one of my favorite villains because…well, just look at him. 

I was also one of the few who absolutely loved the Final Fantasy VII movie, Advent Children. 

A friend at the time was gracious enough to explain the significance of the characters and whatnot for me, so I wasn’t completely out of the loop. This also meant that the big spoiler was revealed to me. Since I knew nothing about the game at that time, all I was enthralled with was the glory of the graphics. And Sephiroth. 

Always Sephiroth. 

Many years after Advent Children came out, my brother tried playing through the original FFVII. We enjoyed it for the most part, but didn’t get far enough to really become all that attached to the characters. I knew it had to be a top favorite for a reason, however, so when I heard of the Remake coming out, I was beyond thrilled. Best of both worlds, in my humble opinion. I was getting the graphics of Advent Children with the original storyline of the game.

And so far, it has not disappointed. 

However. 

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE LEVEL OF EMOTION THIS GAME WOULD EVOKE IN THE FIRST UMPTEEN HOURS OF PLAYING IT. 

Seriously. Not. Prepared. 

And since I know of a very specific spoiler coming down the road much later on in the game, I just looked at my brother at one point with tears already in my eyes and said, “This game is gonna make me ugly cry, isn’t it?” 

He just sniffed back his own tears and replied, “Probably.” 

God help us both. We’re only about 20 hours in at this point, and I’ve already been kicked in the gut more times than I care to admit. 

But it’s so good. 

It’s the level of storytelling and character development that every author dreams of achieving. So the bright side is that I’m so inspired right now. 

We’ve had to take a brief hiatus due to busy work schedules, but I’m hoping here soon we’ll be able to finish this first installment. I’m trying to stay patient because I know my brother has a lot on his plate right now, but dagnabbit I NEED MORE OF THIS GAME. 

Okay, end fangirl rant. 🙂 

The Steadfast

Safe to say life is a little crazy right now. People are wondering what the future looks like, whether or not they’ll have a job to come back to, how this will affect their kids, etc.

I don’t have any real words of wisdom other than hold on to your “constant.”

What I mean by that is the thing that gets you through the worst of times. For me, I happen to believe in God. I’m not a very stereotypical Christian anymore because there’s a lot of theology that I happen to disagree with. I won’t get into the details of that, but the one thing that has stayed constant for me is my relationship with God.

Perhaps you’re a spiritual person in a different sort of way. Perhaps you’re not spiritual at all and you find hope in logic. Whatever your constant may be, hold onto it.

I like to think of it the way I do my favorite mountains. I happen to live in beautiful Central Oregon, and because I was born and raised here, the mountains have been a part of my skyline for as long as I can remember. There are three in particular that are incredibly well known in this area, generally referred to as the Three Sisters.

This is from my absolute favorite viewpoint. It’s hard to capture in a photograph, but you’re so close to the mountains that you can see the details of their ridge lines and the rocks and crags on them. It’s amazing.

Because I know this area so well, I always know where the Three Sisters are located. From my particular hometown, you can see their peaks from almost any part of the city. It doesn’t matter if they’re covered by clouds or fog, or if the sun has set. I know they’ll always be there.

That’s kind of how God is for me. It doesn’t matter if there are times when my own clouds of anxiety keep me from seeing Him in the moment. He’s still there for me.

So I repeat, whatever your “constant” is, hold onto it. This, too, shall pass, and we’ll come out the other side. But whatever you need to do in the moment to help get through it, be patient with yourself. It’s going to be okay.

Hugs to you all! (Digitally, of course, so we’re ten feet apart.) 😀